Photo by Hazel Gross
Photo by Barry Hoggard
In August of 2003 we traveled to Brooklyn to visit our companions who had settled there. Our excuse was that we would bring the Chunkathlon to the East in a sort of gesture of cultural goodwill.
After scouting the city and drinking the local beer on the local bridges, we secured an excellent location, a concrete pad on the Brooklyn waterfront, elevated about five feet and surrounded by brush, dumped hazardous waste, and C.H.U.D. nests. It was littered with broken glass, odd detrius, and poos. At the time it was an unofficial park, although the police came by often to chase people away. It was owned by the state, and rumor has it that it will be turned into a nice clean safe and legal park some day. Spidey was able to get permission to use it from an official who was actually excited that this blasted wasteland was being put to a good use.
We rode out there with brooms and shovels a few times and cleaned away the needles and most of the debris that was large enough to gouge out an eye, while leaving plenty of smaller glass shards and turds. While we were sweeping the place one day some cops showed up and tried to kick us out. We told them that we had permission to use the place from the owner, but they weren't able to figure out how to verify that. Eventually they just turned around mid-sentence and walked away, not happy with letting us clean an abandoned industrial site but apparently realizing how silly it would be to stop us.
Anyway, it was a great site, a flat surface complete with confusing obstacles, including baby carriages, many tires, and what was apparently the remains of a re-enactment of the 1862 battle between the C.S.S. Merrimac and the U.S.S. Monitor, two ironclads represented by refrigerators with wheels bolted onto them. We put up a scaffold for the judges, reconstituted CJ, our MC, and stared back at people until we were ready to begin.
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Photo by Hazel Gross |
Photo by Barry Hoggard |
Some local bike freaks and geeks came, including random tallbikers, couriers on bikes weird enough to be considered mutant bikes, Richmond Zoobombers, and the Easyfellas, who fired up a barbecue in front of their lowrider-style tallbikes. Two riders arrived from S.C.U.L. in Boston, one on a hand-cranked trike and another barefoot on a fixed-gear chopper. This was a very bad place to be barefoot, with all the needles and poo-smeared glass - - we hope that you didn't get hepatitis, Snarly. Also attending were three kids who had followed us the whole way to the event, popping wheelies and crashing into us. We couldn't prevent them from becoming the course marshals, because they would set up the events up before we could stop them, so we deputized them once they were able to promise that they were over thirteen years old with a straight face.
The Brooklyn chapter of the Black Label Bike Club was there too, of course. They clumped on one end of the field in their black denim colors, and we milled around on the other in our gay space pirate uniforms. This was the first time that we had really met. What would happen? Who was going to go on a beer run?
Photo by Hazel Gross 
Photo by Hazel Gross 
Photo by Hazel Gross |
The Master Cylinder Lap is our traditional first event. We've scaled it down over the years from the 40 Lap to avoid turning it into a beer chugging competition, but we've also kept it because it's a good way to lube the riders up. Contestants must ride a lap and finish their tallboy. Drinking when not rolling is illegal. The winner was Ninja.
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Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
The baby rescue is an important event for us. It demonstrates the eternal battle between good and evil, and the difficulty of telling which side is which, or even what side one is fighting for. In this competition, one rider must rescue the baby, and the other must prevent that rescue from happening.
Photo by James Wagner 
Photo by Ayleen Crotty 
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
These three photos show an exciting match. Nurple starts by pulling ahead, popping a wheelie, and swerving in front of Jake. In the second picture, it is Jake's rear wheel which is off of the ground after Nurple has set his fork down on top of Jake's. Both contestants are being ejected from their bikes, but the third photo shows that Jake was thrown too far, while Nurple tumbled towards the baby - losing his pants, yes, but the only thing that matters is rescuing that baby. Save the baby, Nurple. |
Known by some as "foot down", because the winner is the rider who avoids doing this for the longest.
Photo by Hazel Gross |
Photo by Tom Moody |
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
Photo by Gary Liu |
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There are a few rules, though - no kicking, no punching, no sticks in spokes, etc., although checking, shouldering, elbowing, and anything else that keeps the hands on the bars and the feet on the pedals is legal. In practice, so long as nobody really fucks anybody up, it's all allowed, because some things are just too hard to avoid. Above, I am caught taking out both Thud and Krack with a single well-placed gentle nudge. Who could resist such an opportunity? Hucking stuff at someone's head should definitely be considered unsporting, however. This is also impossible to prevent because on the second and subsequent rounds, the onlookers get all fired up and start throwing whatever is around and screeching and pounding their chests. There were many obstacles to avoid. Silken threw a television set at my shin, which was luckily well armored. |
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
Photo by Mark Richards |
One interesting hazard was a tractor tire that we had pulled out of a stagnant pool. During one round, I shrugged this off to the cheers of the crowd after somebody rolled it into me. Later, I saw it coming at me and again prepared to push it aside - but this time, it was much heavier and knocked me over, because it was occupied. The man inside was Jason Meggs, who was once arrested for riding across the San Francisco Bay Bridge. |
Photo by Gary Liu 
Photo by Gary Liu |
Photo by Gary Liu 
Photo by Gary Liu |
This time, there were enough lady jousters to have their own bracket. Top row: Paula, Bez. Bottom row: Amy Foote, Tatyana of the Wolves. Not shown: Rose Ruby.
Some other jousters of note included Safety Silken, Big Bear,
and,
of course Doyle, undefeated.
Photo by Tom Moody |
Photo by Gary Liu |
Photo by Gary Liu |
Photo by Tom Moody 
Photo by Gary Liu |
Nurple was the first contender, and he stayed up for at least five rounds. The judges told him to get another bike at that point - tall choppers are very good at jousting when the rear wheel is a few inches farther behind the seat than on a standard tallbike. He kept on winning, though. |
Photo by Hazel Gross |
Photo by James Wagner |
Doyle defeats Hang with the ol' clothesline.
Photo by Mark Richards |
Photo by Hazel Gross |
Silken vs. Greg.
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
Photo by Gary Liu |
Then, of course, a Zoobomber had to take off his clothes. |
Photo by Gary Liu 
Photo by Gary Liu 
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
We introduced this incredibly stupid event to the mutant biking gladiatorial community in 2002. A rope is tied to each of two contestants, who ride towards and past each other. The winner is the one who travels the farthest, or longest, or pukes up the fewest internal organs. This year, it lasted about five rounds before Doyle competed and the rope snapped his opponent cleanly in half. |
Photo by Mark Richards We ended the evening with another sight that the residents of Brooklyn were apparently not prepared for, the Historical Re-Enactment. People were jumping off of the platform into piles of junkie leftovers, but nobody was shot by overzealous national guardsmen. |
Photo by Hazel Gross 
Photo by Hazel Gross 
Photo by Hazel Gross |
Photo by Ayleen Crotty |
After the usual drunken deliberation, the judges arrived at their verdicts. Champion: Amy Foote (C.H.U.N.K.). 2nd place: Doyle (Black Label). 3rd place: Snarly (S.C.U.L.). Ladies' jousting champion: Rose Ruby (Black Label). Gentlemen's jousting champion: Doyle. |
(Return to C.H.U.N.K. Operations)
| Copyright 2003 Megulon Five and contributors <megulon5@dclxvi.org>. |
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. | Last modified 3 June 2006. |
