Sex Advice From Bike Jousters.
Interviewed by Kate Sullivan for Nerve Magazine, October, 2005.
Silken.
Bike jousters are very do-it-yourself, any tips for how I can creatively do it for myself?
Doing it for yourself isn't just about making a chair instead of buying one - it's about being the kind of person that would think to do that in the first place. And that can be applied to your sex life; you need to be comfortable with yourself and with the idea that you're going to do things perhaps differently than most people or just to make you happy.
What are the things I should include when creating an online personal ad? What are the things I should leave out?
I have a friend who treats his personal ad as a joke, but seems to want it to work anyway. He lives in a basement apartment in a house, and his last personal ad read: "Basement Troll Fears Dying Alone."
Did he get a lot of responses when he posted that ad?
I think he got one and he never responded back because the photo
freaked him out a little too much. I understand the appeal of online
personals because you can't
meet everyone you could possibly meet. You're not going to run into
everyone great in bars or in a bookstore. But when I see ads in the
back of papers, it's like I'm looking at stock
reports. Nobody looks really different. And presumably if you meet in
a public place, at an event, it means you share a mutual interest.
Food and sex: What's fair game and what's too gross?
I wouldn't find it gross, but I wouldn't believe in eating in the bed.
So the sex would have to take place in the kitchen?
I suppose. It's all just body fluid in the end.
What foods are too gross?
Well, I like a clean kitchen. I'm very aware of not using the same utensils for the eggs and the vegetables. So you'd think you'd want to apply those same rules to your body.
What's the best way to get a bike jouster to go home with you?
They'll probably be drinking a lot anyway, so I suggest just staying in their orbit after the joust and chances are you'll get your moment alone with them. And they'll be putty in your hands because they've already been made into putty earlier in the day.
Do bike jousters attract people who dig beat up guys? We interviewed roller derby girls last year and they said a lot men who liked girls with bruises liked the derby. Do you have those fans?
I don't know if its girls who like beat up guys, but there's definitely a general blood-lust in the crowd as a whole that is a little scary to confront. It's like, "Whoa, people. Get out more often. Stop watching so much TV."
99.
Photo by Silken.
What skills does a bike jouster have to offer in the bedroom? How can I acquire them?
A really sexy thing about good bike jousters is that they have well developed biceps. You can acquire them by carrying a PVC pipe that's like twelve feet long under your arm and riding your bike. And I think you can extrapolate how biceps would be useful in the bedroom.
Bike jousters are very do-it-yourself, any tips for how I can creatively do it for myself while my girlfriend is out of town?
Necessity is the mother of invention. Do-it-yourself often comes from lack of being able to do it any other way. You have to create the maximum demand in yourself, using minimal resources.
Are there any resources I might have laying around the house that I'm not using, but should be?
I'm sorry, I can't answer that for you, the thing about do-it-yourself is that you have to do it yourself.
I'm very attracted to a "wait until marriage" Christian-type who I work with; how can I get him to unbuckle his bible belt?
Ply him with alcohol. Just classic seduction.
Do you think that this is worth it? Is she setting herself up to deal with his massive guilt afterwards?
Oh, it's absolutely not worth it. It's a terrible idea. But - she could try a situation where they don't go all the way. Because I think a lot of those Christians are really into dry-humping and stuff like that.
What are the things I should include when creating an online personal ad? What are the things I should leave out?
I think you should include the number one complaint that your exes have had about you as a partner and I think you should leave out every other negative thing you can possibly think about yourself. And also, include a flattering photo of yourself.
What advice question did I not ask that you think is worth asking?
"What's the g-spot?" - would you like me to answer that?
Go for it.
I've found that due to some media blackout, a lot of people in my age group are like "Oh, I thought those don't exist."
Do you think that's right-wing propaganda?
Yes. Exactly. [Laughs] Or it's just uninformed males telling women what's up. You know where the g-spot is, right?
You could tell our readers.
It's the spongy back of the clitoris inside the vaginal canal.
There you go. Take an afternoon kids. Figure it out.
Yes, I encourage people to find their own. And men should keep in mind that some women love to be touched there and some women hate it.
What's the best way to get a bike jouster to go home with you?
You have to wait until the end of the night, when the bars have closed and the fire has burned to the ground, all the Pabsts are empty... and say, "You want to go home with me?" And then you have a 99.9 percent chance of success.
A lot of y'all have said that so far.
Well, a lot of us are single.
Megulon-5.
Photo by Silken.
What skills does a bike jouster have to offer in the bedroom?
A bike jouster does something which is very stupid and unnecessary, even ridiculous. It's something that doesn't pertain to any other meaningful activity in real life. That, I feel, is an important ability to have in the bedroom, because the act of having sex is such a ridiculous act - the beast with two backs - it's an act where you can't be inhibited to be good at doing it. Right before you joust if you stop and realize what an idiot you are being, that will be detrimental to your performance.
Bike jousters are very do-it-yourself, any tips for how I can creatively do it for myself and my girlfriend?
The sex act is such a creative act; you're already "doing-it-yourself." I suppose there are all sorts of manuals and devices and pre-prepared things to do, but once you get down to it, there's no script.
How can I convince my boyfriend to have sex in a public place?
By withholding sex in private places.
What's the best way to get a bike jouster to go home with you?
Pick him up bleeding from the curb and tend to his wounds, prevent him from becoming too sober and put him in your basket.
Spiderman.
What skills does a bike jouster have to offer in the bedroom?
Well to begin with a bike jouster is the kind of person who will do anything. Personally as a bike jouster, I'm down for pretty much anything, be it typical missionary to doggy style, to sixty-nine to the jackhammer. Anything goes, that's the kind of attitude you have when you're bike jousting.
Bike jousters are very do-it-yourself, any tips for how I can creatively do it for myself?
I think you need to pick the right kind of equipment, first of all; a nice firm plastic shaft, with a soft, inviting tip.
Is there any biking equipment that I can involve in my sex life?
Oh yeah, plenty. To begin with all the lubes, all the gels, the oils...
Are those really safe for body use?
Yeah... mostly no. But there's a lot of padding, that'd be great, knee-padding. Helmets, if you
get really into it. Wear gloves for hard spanking if your hands are sensitive.
How can I become sexually adventurous without looking like a total slut?
Well, as a bike jouster, I would suggest that you just go for it. You don't even have to worry about your physical appearance, it's about the attitude. As in jousting, you want to approach it slowly. You want to warm up with a few laps, so when the games really begin you're ready to go, so practice.
To the mirror?
To the mirror; you want to get an opponent, maybe someone you can bounce your stuff off of and be bounced off of.
I had a one night stand with someone who has a decent personality. I don't want to date or even have sex with them again, is it possible that we could be friends?
I don't see why not.
How would you approach a friendship with a one night stand?
It's been so long. As a jouster, you take on lasting relationships. Bike jousters don't even have to worry about a one night stand being the last time they see someone. I guess you could say that jousters are hard, yet soft, as well -
I see how you're working this, pal.
I am a tall bike jouster.
How can you pick someone up when they are on a date with someone else?
A lot of eye contact, a lot of nodding and lip movement, a lot of little waving with the tips of your fingers.
How can I get my boyfriend to have sex in public places?
Just promise him that the jackhammer would be involved and then there'd be no question.
What is this "jackhammer" of which you speak?
If you don't know about the jackhammer, you have to become a tall bike jouster to find out.
My friend just started dating a woman I had a one night stand with a year ago. Should either of us tell him about it?
Absolutely not. That's Code 75 of the Tall Bike Jousters Manual, which says that you can sleep with whoever you want whenever you want and wet your dipstick -
Wait a minute, I thought tall bike jousters were all about lasting relationships.
Is that what I said?
If you're going to do this "tall bike jouster rules" thing on every one of the questions, you have to stay consistent.
Okay. But I would say absolutely not on that.
What's a sexual practice everyone should try at least once?
Guess what my answer is.
I'm going to guess it's "the jackhammer."
There you go. Now you're thinking like a tall bike jouster.
What's a practice almost everyone could go their whole lives without?
They don't necessarily need to do a sixty-nine.
More trouble than it's worth?
Yeah. I mean you've got to be in a specific mindset to really appreciate that one.
Mindset and height.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
So, say a short lady is dating a tall man - what's the best position for them, so they are getting some face time during the act?
Well, the bucking bronco comes to mind, first of all. And the jackhammer would actually allow that - I'm serious! This is my serious face. You know where you can find an image of the jackhammer? Have you seen Team America? The jackhammer is involved in the puppet sex scene.
Who would make the ideal third for a threesome: a trusted friend or and attractive stranger?
Attractive stranger, hands down.
How should I go about finding an attractive stranger to be in my threesome?
Go to a tall bike jousting event.
The tall bike jousters are for that then?
Often. We do have squires after all, who hold our lances before we start jousting.
So would it be better to ask a squire since they're already kind of subservient?
Yeah. You want a squire. You want someone you can trust with your lance.
A straight friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend and has been hinting drunkenly and sadly that she wants to mess around with me. I have the hots for this girl - but I know she's not a lesbian. I also know this is a "limited time offer" - should I get what I want while it's on the rack or should I pass it up to save us both some trouble later?
Look - tall bike jousters are good people. We're not going to take advantage of someone's vulnerabilities unless we're jousting them.
I'm interested in trying S&M with someone I am casually dating. What's the best way to break the ice?
I would approach them by saying something like, "I don't know if you're aware, but I have a hobby, and it's tall bike jousting. And I wear this equipment to protect myself during the jousting and I've always wondered you know how I might look with the equipment on and nothing else on. Can you take a look?"
What are the things I should include when creating an online personal ad? What are the things I should leave out? And say I'm NOT a tall bike jouster.
BUT I AM!
But you're advising those who are not.
Okay. Well, I would suggest using a lot of humor. Include a couple of factual things, but for the questions or categories that are ridiculous seeming, answer them in a humorous way and when someone picks up on your humor, you can start talking to them.
Is there a way I can recover from calling a woman someone else's name in bed?
Oh, yeah. If you don't finish the name as you're calling it out and you turn that word into something about something else, like the weather: "Oh Sannn--'s gonna be a hot one tomorrow."
What if the name was you called out was complete and a man's? What then?
I'm not sure how you'd get out of that. I'd have to be in the situation. But I could get out of it. Most tall bike jousters could.
Revealing a freaky sexual past to a conservative partner?
If they're into you, then it doesn't matter.
Cheating?
Yes. Lots of talking, holding hands, petting, heavy petting.
The jackhammer...
Too soon!
How soon is too soon to say, "I love you"?
Again, bike jousters are a kind people. We are in love with love.
And the jackhammer.
That's right.
What's the best way to get a bike jouster to go home with you?
Volunteer as their squire.
(Return to C.H.U.N.K. 666)
