Naming.

An important element in the creation of a chopper, even more important than its baptism in blood, is its naming.

Why.

The act of naming important artifacts is a tradition that predates recorded history. This act both invites animistic spirits to inhabit the object in question, and helps to shape their personalities as desired. Objects of great might or prowess make an impact in the animistic sphere and will therefore assuredly attract the attention of other entities. Therefore, the absence of a name leaves such an object vulnerable to the hindering influence of malevolent spirits, and even opens the possibility of unwanted possession. This is especially true for vehicles, which must carry the body without leaving the soul behind.

How.

In general, the name of a bicycle must include the prefix "B.", for Bicycle. This is so that bicycles do not get confused with human beings. The name of a bicycle must also include the suffix "666". This is because of the Promethean influence of the bicycle, best exemplified by the revolution in mobility and independence bicycles provided in the late 1800s. The suffix also commemorates the tantalizing opportunities for crimes and vandalism which present themselves while bicycling. These prefices and suffices are, however, purely formal, and usually omitted in casual conversation.

For the naming of a chopper, gruesome and fear-instilling names are usually in order. This is because the proper construction of a chopper instills the beast with a powerful and malevolent demon - a demon who has many friends. Just as the ingestion of alcohol causes one to become visible to hordes of "alcohol demons", which inflict no end of trouble, so does the apparatus of the chopper produce the same effect with regards to an evil host of "chopper demons". Each chopper has associated with it a personal demon to lead this horrible ensemble, and it is after this demon that the chopper must be named. Failure to perform this act will surely enrage the creature, who will inevitably bring about a quick and painful end to one's chopping experience.

What.

With this in mind, a chopper should be given a name which will best please the personality of the resident demon high commander. This personality will of course sync with the personality of the chopper in question, and should thus reflect that chopper's characteristics. In this vein we have the Cherry-Popper (a.k.a. the Deboner), with its dismembering protrusion poised to perform the act alluded to, and Vlad the Impaler, who points his mighty shaft at the fragile chest cavity of his hapless pilot.

Sometimes the name of the chopper is formed by more subtle characteristics; the Orb, for example, is so named because that word happened to be already inscribed upon the side of its frame at the time of salvaging, and only in retrospect because of its eye-gouging ability.

Likewise, naming is often inspired by the history of the steed. There was once, by way of illustration, a lovely twelve-speed bicycle ridden by the author and known as B. 25, due to the fact that the sole identifying insignia on its frame was the number 25 stamped in the metal. This bicycle, after ramming no fewer than three cars, suffered a death all too violent for an unchoppified bicycle. After the parts of 25 lived anew upon the frame of its predecessor, B. Ralph Waldo 5, 25's bent frame was hung in the tombs bearing the inscription "Organ Donor". A year later some of its tubes were used to form the body of, you guessed it, the Organ Donor, and it was when this inscription was again noticed that that proud creation received its name.

Finally, a resonance with steeds of earlier history provides a great excuse for a name. The more erudite reader will recognize the names of Bucephalus, Rocinante, and King George VII as being a part of this tradition.

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Last modified 12 September 1997.