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In August of 2002 we held a Chunkathlon. It was the most
organized thing we'd ever
done.
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We even had officials. Left to right: Matthew Hattie Hein, judge, James Yu, scorekeeper and reporter, George and Katie, judges, and CJ, announcer.
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A traveling clown rode up with a large gun. He wandered around the course throughout the evening, shot at contestants, and got run over.
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Photo by Max Drake.
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Photo by Max Drake.
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The Master Cylinder Lap. |
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Some of us were momentarily confused by the participation of
"straight-edgers" - those who do not wish to drink beer in order to
avoid legal penalties or the revocation of their yogic powers or whatever.
Is not sobriety the
cruellest prison? What could be
more powerful than a drunken feeling of invincibility during the
Chunkathlon? Years of having beer cans thrown at us by hicks in cars
have made us open-minded, however.
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Oh, and the rules were: No drinking with a foot down. No spilling.
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The Baby Rescuing Competition. |
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The objective of the good contestant was to
rescue the baby from this dangerous situation, and bring it across
the finish line in one piece. The evil contestant's goal was to
knock over the carriage or acquire the baby. It's basically
buzkashi practice.
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Photo by Ayleen Crotty.
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The Harness Snap. |
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An inner tube at each end of a rope was looped around the back of each
of two contestants. At the start, the contestants faced each
other, with the rope fully stretched between them. They rode
towards and past each other at full speed. The contestant who's
body ended up farthest from the center point was the winner.
The kids these days call this sport the "whiplash".
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The Beer Run Time Trial. |
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This was an ongoing timed event that contestants rode whenever they
had a spare moment. After getting the timekeeper's attention, they set off
for the quickie-mart two blocks away, returning with a
twelve-pack.
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The Tallbike Joust. |
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Photo by Jim Woo.
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The Derby. |
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Everybody knows how to derby! Last person to put a foot down wins.
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The Gauntlet. |
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The gauntlet was made out of burning crap, crashed
bikes and scrap from the pile, fallen contestants from the previous
heat, a ramp, a compost pile, and, of course, the giant banana
peel that the clown brought. There were no rules. Whoever crossed
it forward and back with their bike in the shortest time
won.
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The Historical Re-Enactment. |
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Photo by Ben Salzburg.
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Photo by Ben Salzburg.
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The Champion! |
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It had been an evening of great victories, and also of tragic
defeats. After tallying the results and retiring for a short
consultation, the judges announced that Rino was the champion.
These results are the Oregonian of August 27, 2002.
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